bliss was too easy. will it come again? i think so, but i might not be a great thinker. i wouldnt really know would i? i try to credit myself but what of me is my own?? i keep my cozy wishes clasped shut in lockets that doubtfully await permission to open, of whose im not one to say.
deflect defect deflect
how silly do you think it would be for me to claim sincerity? would you trust me? i won't be upset if you don't. well, maybe a bit, but not with you. it would be reasonable, after all. i'll direct my upsettance upwards for your sake
im in writing class right now. my attention tunes in and out in ways that almost seem like my tuning knob is being intentionally fiddled with. I just tuned back in to hear my professor state "first person is a bottomless grave" in reference to the way first person limits your view to that of the narrator and the narrators perceptions and judgements and opinions. one may read about what the narrator interprets others feelings/thoughts/motives to be but one cannot truly see past the filter of the "i" that is a first person narrator. of course, this may just be trivial. sorry. i just thought it was interesting. we've now moved on to symbolism in the time i was typing this. oh great, now i'm noticing all the i's. i,i,i, me,me,me, haha ha thanks
defect deflect defect
its hard to explain stuff. this makes me feel stupid. i have so much more i want to communicate and express but i guess i need to find something other than words for now. its even worse when i spend forever trying to communicate something, going into detail, and then realize only afterwards that the words i used trailed off into their own concept, betraying the thought i began with in the first place, and leading me astray, trapping me in the channels and grooves of my faulty language.
those who are seemingly able to remedy this and have their thoughts and words join forces with little contradiction or disagreement show "strong language ;P" and have my utmost admiration. unfortunately for me, i put these people on such a pedestal that i worry anything i say will read like the ramblings of a moron, as i often interpret them to sound afterwards. or at least part of me does. I don't actually hate myself with all my being, i should make that clear. theres parts of me i love dearly. i wouldnt be able to survive without the brain hugs (hehe:P) i give myself in times of need. theres just so much that is hard and confusing and i dont really know what else to say for now.
really, thank you for taking the time if you read this. try and picture me giving you a high five if u can hehe. or if ur one of those ppl who dont visualize well then uhhhhhh imagine me doing a really cool beatbox. thanks love you :]